Kill the Cyclists!

Bicyclists should be systematically hunted down and killed. Sure, go back and reread that first sentence, I’ll wait. Now I’m not talking about little kids with training wheels on their shiny new bikes, or even those Lance Armstrong wannabes who trek across Nebraska; no I’m talking about those smug cloggers of entire lanes of traffic, those moronic self-important twits who wouldn’t move over to let a car pass because they’re saving the planet (hah! Which planet?) and insist that you obey all traffic laws yet run red lights and ride in between lanes. Bicycle advocates point out that riders of bikes have the same rights and responsibilities as motor vehicle operators. This is generally true, but bicycles are not allowed on the interstate and must use a bike path rather than the road if one is available. Bikers often focus on the fact that they have the same rights as drivers of cars, but usually forget the responsibility part. Traffic lanes, in case you hadn’t noticed are about as wide as the average car, a bicycle doesn’t need nearly that much room, yet every time I’m downtown I get stuck behind some nitwit on a bicycle riding smack in the middle of a lane, if I manage to pass him and get stopped at the light, Mr. Rules-of-the-Road then slips between me and the car next to me, runs the light and is then in front of me again on the next street. The solution to this blatant scoffing at traffic laws is vigilante justice. Before we escalate to death squads though, I suggest carrying a small machete in your car and hacking at the back tire of any bike that tries to sneak in between lanes. Or turn your window washer spigots around so that you can squirt these lowest-of-the-low as you tailgate them. Only after this doesn’t work would I recommend actually killing. But definitely no negotiations without preconditions.