Top Ten Lists: Night Crew

Some of you may have noticed that the recurring feature, Top Ten Lists, frequently has “Night Crew” as one of the ten. Apparently someone, possibly a member of the night crew, feels that this is a slight, or perhaps an insult, to the night crew. Nothing could be further from the truth. The inclusion on most Top Ten Lists is a reference to the tendency of employees and managers in most industries to blame the other shift for what ever problems exist. Hence, no matter what the problem, whatever the issue, the tongue in cheek inclusion of “Night Crew”. You see, it’s a joke, as is pretty much everything in Profound Pronouncements. No one really believes that the Night Crew is responsible for the economic downturn. And by the way, the door that the remarks have been slipped under isn’t the author of Ill-Gotten Booty, comments can be posted at http://ill-gottenbooty.blogspot.com/

It Tastes Like Butter on Crack

Hah! Gotcha! You people thought that Spring was here because we experienced a few “nice” days where the sun was shining and the stupid robins were chirping. Well I hope those robins have warm socks and ear muffs because winter is fixin’ to dope-slap us one more time. It’s a good thing though, since I was running out of things to complain about, and this ought to tide me over until mid-summer when temperatures exceed 100° in the shade at midnight. I’ve been trying to keep up the drumbeat of despair over high gas prices, but folks have finally started noticing that they’re not over $4.00 per gallon anymore. Milk prices have gone down and tax withholding has decreased as well. I guess I can complain about the trillion dollar deficits that are coming up these next few years, but I figure that the Chinese are really nice people and once they buy us out things will finally get organized around here. Of course I could continue to complain about the war in Iraq, or maybe complain that we’re leaving Iraq, but what the heck, we’re still in Afghanistan and there’s always Iran. Illegal immigration? Why should I worry about people sneaking in here to scoop up all the minimum wage jobs? I’m more concerned about the legal immigrants with advanced degrees who are applying for all the good jobs.
So what’s left to complain about? I guess until the Husker’s first loss of the season all that I’m left with is the weather.

Al Gore Frozen in Carbonite

Former Vice President and residential candidate Al Gore was finally captured by bounty hunters and delivered to Jabba the Hutt after being frozen in carbonite this week.

Post Office to Make Cuts

Financially strapped and unable to pay its outstanding debts, the U.S. Post Office has announced a ten point plan to regain solvency:
1. Have a bake sale.
2. Combine trash pickup and mail delivery services into one. Should save time.
3. Bring back the Pony Express for out of town deliveries.
4. Have all postmasters sell their gold teeth.
5. Declare birthday cards a terrorist threat and bring in the National Guard
6. Night Crew
7. Tell Congress that the Post Office is really a bank and collect bailout money.
8. Discontinue delivery to people with “funny names”.
9. Declare that email is under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Postal Service and charge 42¢ for each email sent.
10. Hire back all those carriers who were fired for stockpiling undelivered mail in their garages, apparently they had the right idea.

Easter

What do rabbits, eggs and chocolate have to do with Jesus being raised from the dead? In fact, where does the name “Easter” come from? A pagan festival observed in many areas of Europe, as well as in modern times, celebrated the awakening of the land at or near the Spring Equinox. One of the fertility goddesses associated with this time was called Ostara, or Eostre, where we get the name Easter. Being a fertility festival, symbols of fertility such as eggs and rabbits became associated with the feast. When the Christians took over and found out that the people, although willing to say that they were members of the church and to duly send in their money, weren’t excited about giving up their fertility rites, they retained a lot of the old symbolism, despite it making absolutely no sense in light of the new dominant beliefs about Jesus. No problem; since when did religion have to make sense? Chocolate? Where does that fit in? Since when did anyone need an excuse for chocolate?

Local Losers

Does it really matter what this guy did? Just look at him!

You Couldn't Make This Crap Up

Retired barber Joe Godlewski, inspired by the constant reference on cooking shows to "kosher salt", decided to market "blessed" Christian salt, purportedly blessed by an Episcopalian priest. Is this guy trying to be funny, or is he seriously fighting a worldwide conspiracy of Jews trying to take over the world with their insidious non-Christian salt? Some religious folks are angry that it doesn't come in pillar form.
http://www.memphi.net/

Sell Your Gold

Have you seen those advertisements for selling your old gold jewelry? First of all they offer a FREE return envelope. Wow! A FREE envelope! Then they emphasize that it's safe and secure. You're putting your bling in an an envelope and mailing it off to people that you've never seen or heard of, and you have absolutely no recourse if they short change you. That's safe & secure? Then we've got people talking about taking "the vacation of a lifetime" with money from old gold jewelry that they "didn't know was worth so much". (Although the only dollar amount mentioned is $423 - where is this vacation? Unadilla?) But the best, the absolute best is when, included in a listing of what kinds of gold these people buy, is gold teeth! Under what circumstances is it a good idea to sell your teeth? Hey, I eat mostly soft food, you know, yogurt and pudding, so why do i need a complete mouthfull of teeth?

Bush Happy With Retirement

Former President Bush is reportedly enjoying his retirement, but misses the limelight. In order to keep himself busy, and to avoid the chores that his wife Laura has been assigning him, Bush has taken a job as a wandering troubador. Shown here entertaining a New Orleans woman who is sad that she has no spare money to give to him for seranading her, Bush has been travelling all along the Gulf Coast with only a duffel bag full of doughnuts, a complete Secret Service contingent and his trusty guitar "Zippy".

Jarryd is a Samoan

I’d like to apologize to the readers of Profound Pronouncements for being away from the keyboard for so long. The presidential inauguration, Groundhog Day, as well as the increased pressures of the witness protection program have kept me away. Due to having been MIA for so long, some of the content of the current issue may be a little dated, but this publication is free you know.

Local Music

Zoo Bar: April 1st, 6pm - Tinsley Ellis

Zoo Bar: May 27th, 6pm - Chris Duarte

Local Losers

This guy isn’t a Husker, but can there be any doubt that he’s in trouble with the law? He was being arrested for violating a protection order in the courthouse and attacked the deputy who was attempting to arrest him. Nice neck tattoo though.

State Basketball Tournaments

How about we just get honest and say that sports is more important than academics in Lincoln Public Schools? Why not declare a state holiday during state basketball tournaments? While schools are allegedly in session, students have been given permission to attend the games at Devaney where attendance will supposedly be taken, and where most of the teachers will be. After all, fanatical high school sports support prepares young people to become fanatical Husker supporters when they grow up.

Tuscan Stuff

What is it with everything being “Tuscan” these days? It seems that since 2003 when Under the Tuscan Sun was released, we have been inundated with Tuscan Garlic Chicken, Tuscan House Salad Dressing and who knows what else, maybe even Tuscan Hot Chocolate or Wrigley’s Tuscan Chewing Gum.. Does anybody know what makes something Tuscan? How many people actually know where Tuscany is?

Husker Hoods

Husker arrests aren’t what they used to be. Charges were dropped against Barry Turner for hitting his girlfriend with a pillow, and biting her to keep her from hitting him with a candlestick. He picked her up and carried her back into the apartment, supposedly to keep her from going out into a heavy winter storm. A pillow?

Obama’s Wasteful Spending

Most commentators have missed one of the most obvious methods that President Obama is wasting your tax dollars: textbooks and after school snacks for the Obama daughters. Most recent presidents have waited until their children were patriotic enough to defer their presidential runs until their children were at least in college, but not Obama. Has anyone tallied up the cost of school uniforms, books, arts & crafts supplies, and pencils? Not to mention band instruments. Republican lawmakers are calling on Obama to put his daughters in a blind trust until his term ends.