FDA Issues Recall on “Every Damn Thing”

The Food and Drug Administration today decided to recall every single item found in every grocery store, drug store and spooky isolated gas station on that dark, winding back road. Citing the increasing number of recalls in the past few months, and the inability of retailers, not to mention the FDA itself, to keep up, spokepersons warned that they hadn’t at all thought this through and fully expected panic to ensue.