So Excited My Lips Are Chapped

So, Michael Jackson is dead. There’s been much media attention given to his life and death, but I remain unconvinced. First of all, how could you tell for sure? I for one don’t think that the guy who claimed to be Michael Jackson these last few years was the same guy who sang with the Jackson Five or even the same guy who was pictured on the cover of Thriller. My theory is that an extraterrestrial somehow took over Jackson’s life after abducting him many years ago. As the years went by it became more and more difficult for the alien to maintain its human form and it slowly reverted to its natural shape. Doesn’t it make sense that “Jackson’s” actions over the last ten or fifteen years was consistent with someone who was trying hard to be human and to fit in with human customs but just couldn’t get it exactly right? I mean, c’mon, a chimp names Bubbles? A theme park? Sleepovers with underage kids? A brother named Tito? If this isn’t a pilot for a science fiction sitcom than what is?

Driving Under the Influence of Stupidity

A Lincoln woman was recently pulled over for her eighth drunken driving offense, which apparently is a few shy of the record; there are 105 people in Nebraska with ten or more DUI’s and one with eighteen! What was more astounding was that this woman has had her license revoked for 15 years four times. Now if she was 76 years old, that might add up, but she is only thirty, legally driving for only fourteen years. Wouldn’t one revocation be enough. Did the second one start after the first fifteen ended? It just doesn’t make sense. Why do we keep revoking the license of someone who clearly has no intention of discontinuing her driving, especially not sober? What can we do to stop people from driving when their licenses are suspended or revoked? One solution that comes to mind is breaking their legs. It is difficult to drive without feet. If they try to work around this restriction by getting hands-only appliances, break their arms. Heck, start harvesting organs after that. Do what it takes to make the point: no driving for you!

Today in History

· 40 Years Ago: Frank Mascatori awoke from a week-long bender and exclaimed “We landed on the moon! Why didn’t anybody tell me?”
· 30 Years Ago: Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Paige announced that “The eighties are almost here, enjoy music while you can.”

Top Ten Reasons Dairy Prices Have Plummeted

10. Milk executives applying gas price logic to milk prices, it doesn’t have to make sense.
9. Low fat yogurt lost FDA approval as male enhancement aid.
8. Sham-Wow’s no longer made exclusively from cheese by-products.
7. Insidious plot by President Obama to send all of our milk to Al-Qaeda.
6. Night Crew
5. Cash-For-Cheese buying your broken or unwanted cheese products for quick cash.
4. Category Management (we’re working this one in, the night crew has been abused enough, it’s time to reflexively blame someone else)
3. Michael Jackson’s pet cow “Nipsie” has tripled production since the star died.
2. Colby cheese being used as currency in many former Soviet republics.
1.Caribou milk marketed by Todd Palin taking over market share

McCain Awakes From Year-Long Sleepwalking Episode

Doctors revealed today that John McCain was actually asleep during much of the 2008 campaign and was suffering from ambulatory somnosis, extended sleepwalking. “I picked who as my running mate?” He roared upon awakening during Supreme Court confirmation hearings on Tuesday.

Sarah Palin Unveils New Plan

Sarah Palin, until recently the Governor of Alaska, will be moving into a cave in the Aleutian Islands in order to further her goals, which seem to be somewhat vague. Palin, who when running for Vice-President last year, remarked that being a small town Mayor was a lot like being a community organizer (like barrack Obama was) only with real responsibility, has decided that “real responsibility” is a hindrance after all. Hinting that partisan ethics investigations were a distraction, Plain promised to work hard to eliminate the influence of liberals, communists, Islamo-fascists, Jewish media control, witchcraft and uppity black men of Kenyan extraction. Also on her agenda was a constitutional amendment nullifying Hawaii’s statehood. Dwelling in a cave will allow Palin the freedom to withdraw from the limelight whenever the media elite attempt to derail her goals with pesky questions. You betcha.