The Economic Downturn: The Top Ten Signs That Things Aren't Going So Well

10. Super Bowl commercials actually relate to the products they're trying to sell
9. Rod Blogojevich's two-for-one senator sale
8. New sign at the Nebraska border says 'Welcome to Nebraska: The Adequate Life'.
7. To save money, Obama asks Iran to bomb its own nuclear reactor
6. Night Crew
5. American Idol winner takes away a home karaoke kit
4. Angelina Jolie sells half of her kids for 3 sacks of potatoes and a gallon of gas
3. Most popular Valentine's Day gift predicted to be rose-colored glasses.
2. Top Ten Lists to be reduced to 8 items
1. McDonald's changes slogan to "I'm Toleratin' It"

Christian Activists Protest Secularisation of Groundhog Day

Goaded by conservative talk show hosts, Christians across the nation have begun boycotting businesses that leave the word "Groundhog" out of their Groundhog Day advertising. Default spokesman The Quite Reverend Sammy Joe Samuels of the Holy and Sanctified Church of the Bleeding Jesus with Faraway Eyes told a throng consisting of out of work former convenience store workers and home schooled kids "If these unbelieving and heathen merchants of the anti-Christ continue to celebrate the advent of the Groundhog, while glorifying the so-called Super Bowl and its attendant commercialization, then we followers of the Truth shall be forced to take our dollars to places that remember the spitit of the season". When counter protesters pointed out that Groundhog Day had its origins in the pagan holiday "Imbolc", and that the whole Groundhog thing itself was not at all related to Christianity, Rev. Samuels began quoting random bible verses and set fire to an effigy of the Target dog.

Loyalty

Once upon a time, perhaps only in my imagination, not only did employees have loyalty towards their companies, but those companies had loyalty toward their employees as well. Now, it seems that long-time employees are terminated, let go, fired, if they miss too much work due to crippling health issues. You can get hit by a train and find out that you don't have a job once the government mandated "don't fire that guy" period is over, even if you have been a valued, productive employee for decades. So what can we do about it? The Obama administration has announced that they will be asking Congress to legalize serfdom. Republican leaders, in a rare show of bipartisanship, vowed to support the action, reasoning that most of them would be the new lords of the manor.

You Know You Live in Nebraska, Right?

Here's a news flash for you folks who hate winter: there are places in this country that don't have winter. But it happens every year, it snows, and all the whiney wimps (that's alliteration kids) complain about snow, cold, ice, bad roads and hat hair. Move or stop compalining!

Ill-Gotten Booty

Ill-Gotten Booty is a fictional character. He (or it) is a composite of several contributors who all have an odd sense of humor. Several of IGB's contributors come from Nebraska, contributing vaunted Nebraska Values, while one is moving to Montana soon to become a dental floss tycoon. The remaining parts of IGB's "personality" come from Iowa, Kansas and oddly enough American Samoa.

How would you like to become part of this multiple personality called Ill-Gotten Booty? Use the "comments" feature and post away.

Dude.

2009 Breaking News

· Stunned that the Israeli government would object to Palestinian rocket attacks into residential areas, protesters around the world called upon Israel to find peaceful ways to disarm the rockets before they hit their targets without infringing on Hamas’ right to blow up Jews
· Pirates have set up shop off the coast of Somalia, capturing and holding for ransom various ships. After receiving their 3 million dollar ransom this weekend, their escape ship sank and all but three of the pirates drowned. This would have never happened to Cap’n Jack Sparrow. Argh.
· Caroline Kennedy, daughter of assassinated President John F. Kennedy, is touting herself as senator material. Claiming that “all my cousins have been in Congress” as her main qualification, Ms. Kennedy refused to answer questions about the spelling of her husband’s last name.
· State Senator Mike Friend wants the legislature to have less days in session. I don’t think these guys have to punch a clock, so if he wants time off he should just take it. But it’s not like they’re overworked. The legislature meets for ninety days or sixty days in alternating years. Although the less that lawmakers are around, the fewer stupid new laws we’ll get.
· Lincoln Police are investigating a quick change scammer who’s at large. If they catch him, maybe they can track down where all the bailout money ended up.

Not So Solid Citizens

A local Dollar store was the scene of an attempted robbery several nights ago. A masked man demanded all the money from the cash register, holding his hand in his pocket as if he had a gun. The clerk reached into the till as if she was taking out cash, and pretended to place money in the thief’s hand. Police were summoned; they joined in the role playing by responding as if the miscreant resisted arrest.

Bush Actually Cardboard Cutout

“Vice-President” Dick Cheney announced today that what we thought was President George W. Bush was a carefully devised scam by the nation’s comedians to keep them supplied with material. “Eight years ago” Cheney explained. “Al Gore really won the election.” Gore and Lieberman have in reality been serving as President and Vice-President for the past eight years, but since all outgoing communications from the White House have been rerouted to a small shack on Johnson Atoll in the Pacific Ocean, Gore & Lieberman were unaware of the stunt. What we thought of as “The President” was actually actor Josh Brolin reading carefully prepared scripts. The real George W. Bush lives in his parents’ basement listening to Howard Stern on satellite radio and smoking pot. The good news is that there really is no war in Iraq and there never has been a country called Afghanistan.

Top Ten Reasons to Attend Western Themed Christmas...er...Holiday...um...Annual Party

10. All the barbeque sauce that you can eat.
9. They’ll have both kinds of music, country and western.
8. Dress code will allow you to enjoy the party without the distraction of authentic western clothes.
7. Out of town attendees will be brought in by covered wagon.
6. Pony rides will compete with speeches for production of a certain aromatic deposit.
5. At least one table will confuse “Western” with “West Coast” and demand the deejay play some Snoop Dogg.
4. Night Crew
3. Western Theme got one more vote than NASCAR Theme
2. Calf roping competition allows you to pick out your own steak.
1. Your black work pants will make a perfect beginning for your Johnny Cash outfit.

Ill-Gotten Year in Review

Since I was busy being hung over on January 1st, and subsequently lost my calendar on the 2nd, I am just now getting around to the year end review that should have been ready to go on December 31st. It was an historic year in many ways. Here are some of the top stories:
· Police in Lincoln traded in their bicycles for Segways. Apparently racing around in shorts after midnight on Friday & Saturday nights wasn’t humiliating enough.
· Chad, the poofy-haired Alltel wireless spokesman, despondent that Alltel was bought out by Verizon wireless, held the red-haired geek hostage by holding a cell phone to his head, threatening to “bake his brain” with the dangerous microwave radiation
· Hustler Magazine & Girls Gone Wild asked the government for a 5 million dollar bailout package
· The City of Lincoln built a bridge in the downtown area that didn’t actually go over anything. It set flat on the ground. They subsequently dug under the bridge.
· Gas prices mysteriously dipped below $2.00 per gallon. No one said a word about it, concerned that they would “jinx” it. Television and radio commercial continue to refer to high gas prices.
· Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus (yup, he named his daughter “Miley”) posed in what appeared to be nothing but a bedsheet. Sarah Palin was heard to remark that she could see Cyrus’ butt from her house.
All of the above items, other than one sentence are true. Hopefully, 2009 will be just as exciting and strange as 2008.