The Origins of Thanksgiving

In 1776 Christopher Columbus discovered Plymouth Rock, subsequently buying Manhattan from the redcoats for $24 worth of beads, trinkets and a cherry tree. Not long afterward, the evil white man corrupted the Indians by giving them blankets infested with cranberries. A great feast was called for, but the Indians couldn't eat ham due to kosher requirements, so they had to substitute turkey. At the conclusion of the feast Captain John Smith, whose name the Indian holy man Wattalodbul had prophesied would be used for all time as a pseudonym, called for all area merchants to construct giant balloons and parade them about and to rise at dawn to begin shopping for gifts to mark the birth of Christ.