Bush's Science Announcement

President Bush has long encouraged school districts across the country to teach alternatives to evolution. Today he announced his initiative to require that alternatives to astronomy be taught, starting with the theory that the Earth is flat and rests upon the backs of four elephants who in turn stand on the back of an enormous turtle. He also discussed at length his position that Newton’s Laws of Universal Gravitation be countered with the Theory of Intelligent Gravity. “Obviously it’s the Lord that keeps us fastened firmly to the Earth” Bush mumbled through a mouth full of Reese’s Pieces, “And of course birds, bats, airplanes and flying squirrels are creatures of the Devil” he continued as uniformed Marines blew up Air Force One, gleefully sticking it to the Satanic Air Force.
White House spokesman Scooter “Skippy” Biffster downplayed the palpable insanity of the whole scene, explaining that the President had not had his nap.