FBI Says Guy With Car Full Of Guns “Not A Credible Threat” To Obama

The knucklehead pictured here was pulled over with a car full of guns and had threatened to kill Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama. FBI spokesmen announced that he was not a “credible threat”, citing the lack of Kryptonite in the man’s arsenal.

The Grammar Police

Recently two guys embarked a cross country trip with the lofty goal of correcting grammar and spelling on road signs, visitors bureau signs and the like. The two were understandably distressed at the number of errors on highly visible signs around the country and set out to singly-handedly (double-handedly?) make the changes. Armed with sharpies and white-out they added or blotted out commas and other punctuation, corrected misspellings (misspell is one of the more commonly misspelled words) on national monuments all around the country. However, they made the mistake of publicizing their accomplishments, even being interviewed on NPR, and were subsequently arrested, charged and convicted of vandalism of national monuments. In my opinion, these guys should have been given a medal. Sure, spelling correctly is sometimes a challenge, but when your words are going to be enshrined on a monument, or even a big billboard on the side of the road, get a dictionary already. I mean, how embarrassed is the guy who designed the yellow & black "Deer Crossing" signs that show the deer's antlers swept back, instead of forward like real deer's antlers do?

Religion in the News

Fanatics from Nebraska's largest fringe religion have been working themselves into a lather (what precisely do you have to do to work yourself into a lather?) over their High Holy Days that commence this coming weekend. Excitement is palpable (yes, you will need a dictionary if you're going to read this) over the appointment of a new prophet and a new high priest; large quantities of mind-altering substances will be ingested in the hope that the last several years will be forgotten. Thousands of these wild-eyed worshippers will congregate in their outdoor temple to chant and pray. What is this sect of which I speak? Why, it's none other than the State Religion of Nebraska: University of Nebraska (at Lincoln) football! Nebraska fans have long seemed to me as dogmatic and resistant to reason or evidence as the most convinced of the faithful God fans. For years Husker dominance was seen as a fact of life, a law of nature, as obvious as the law of Gravity, losses were explained away by bad officiating and criminal actions by players winked at (boys will be boys ya know). But then, in an effort to steer the program back in what was described as "the right direction", a winning coach was unceremoniously fired and replaced by a coach who consistantly lost, presenting two losing seasons to the acolytes of Huskerdom. And it took four years to figure out that a mistake had been made. As someone who enjoys rooting against the Corn Dogs, it just wasn't fun any more. laughing at a Husker loss was likely to get me beat up, or provoke the hapless Husker fan into tears or a deep depression. Who wants to kick someone when they're down? That's just not any fun. Now let them win a few, then lose the big ones. Now that will be fun!

McCain Update

Somebody, I don't really care who (Does it matter?) accused John McCain of lifting his speech about Georgia from Wikipedia. I say, good for McCain, if he's plagiarizing stuff from Wikipedia, at least he's using the computer, which means that he's not as technologically clueless as he seems. Now, the bad part is that 73.8% of Americans believe that the Russians are invading the Georgia that's next to Florida and think that South Ossetia was part of the Confederacy.

Our Motto

Remember, the editorial motto of Words of Wisdom by Ill-Gotten Booty is "We don't lie much and we don't steal from our friends" - learn it, live it, love it.

Beat It

A man in Lexington Nebraska pleaded guilty to beating a man who tried to rob him. Wait a minute; this is a crime?

How Many Times Do You Have to be Struck by Traffic Before It's a Stampede?

An Omaha man was struck by a vehicle as he was lying in the street. Then he was hit by another vehicle while he still lying in the street. You'd think he would have learned after being hit the first time.

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Reproduce

A week or so ago a local man was arrested for kidnapping after he decided to hold his wife and children hostage after his wife refused to fetch him a 40 oz. malt beverage. Now this is unique, this shows some thought, some planning! Why walk all the way to the fridge when you can browbeat your spouse into doing it? And a real man always has a backup plan when his woman refuses to give in to his foolishness. A lesser man would have resorted to administering a beating, or attempting to persuade by applying higher and higher volume to his inane arguments, but no, this guy took it to the proverbial next level: he held his wife hostage! What kind of planning goes into an idea like this? Hmmm...she won't get me a Colt 45...hold her hostage! Well, the WMD argument worked for Bush.