Senseless Words of the Week

Biblical Trailer Parks

Profound Pronouncements for the Week

Cashiers that are friendly and appear genuinely glad to see their customers is something that I’m definitely not opposed to, but why is it that most of them find it so difficult to continue to ring products up while talking? Come on, the stuff that you buy has bar codes, you barely have to look at things to ring them up, most items only require one hand. So here you are, getting close to the front of the line, and friendly checker starts talking about holiday recipes with the person that she is ringing up, halting all progress toward totaling up the order, as your lunch hour ticks by, one painful second at a time. Do you want fries with that?
Another modern innovation that irks me is the dual use of the cash register as a time clock. You walk into a fast food “restaurant” to see a brightly clad employee behind the counter. You’re excited now, no lines, you’re first and you know what you want. But this paragon of today’s youth torpidly punches buttons on the touch screen, never looking up, picking zits the whole time. You clear your throat, no response; you attempt to make aggressive eye contact, no response; you say “I’m ready to order”; no response; you lean across the counter grab him by his too-large polyester shirt (avoiding the tie, which is undoubtedly a clip-on) and taking advantage of the element of surprise, haul him over the counter, force his head into a napkin dispenser and scream out your order. This time you get a response: “Dude, I’m on break”. Now the manager, who has not yet successfully traversed puberty asks you if everything okay, suggesting in a quavering voice that you stand in the other line...where the cashier has stopped ringing up the order while she talks about holiday recipes.

Politics Corner

The Iraqi Parliament took time out from counting huge piles of bribe money today to set a timetable for withdrawal of U.S. troops from their country. All American combat troops will exit Iraq by March 2078. President Bush protested, noting that setting a definite withdrawal date would be “cutting and running” and would be “something very different than victory”. Bush suggested that maybe he should bring Saddam back, observing that although an evil dictator, he was a lot more fun than “that Shi’ite bunch”. Bush was given a lollipop and has not been heard from since.

Local Losers

A woman stole 13 candy bars from a convenience store the other night after throwing three bars at the clerk. Police tracked her down using a police dog.

Recession Actually Started Last Year

Economic experts announced this week that, yes, we are in a recession, but that it has been going on since last December.

Oh, that’s alright then.

Fixin's & Trimmin's

In what way is a fixin’, different from a trimmin’? Are they synonymous, or is there a subtle difference? You often hear the phrase “All the fixin’s”. Can you just have some of the fixin’s? And just where is the correct place to put the apostrophe with the plural of fixin’? And while I’m on a roll, why is it called “trimming” the tree?

The Battle for Christmas

Over the last few years there has been an imaginary “battle” over the use of the word “Christmas” in the media and in ads. Some conservative talk show hosts have called for boycotts of businesses who use “holiday” or “happy holidays” instead “Christmas” or “Merry Christmas”. Interestingly enough the first folks to protest Christmas celebrations in what is now the United States were conservative Christians: the Puritans. That’s right, the people who brought religious intolerance to the New World thought that Christmas celebrations were “popish” (slur word for Catholic) and in their narrow view, straight from the heart of Satan. Over the centuries Christmas varied from a purely religious day that barely made an impact on daily life to one of raucous feasting and merry-making (ah, those were the days, when merry was made on a regular basis). The Protestant Reformation caused Christmas celebrations to become more muted and initially the citizens of the newly independent United States rejected Christmas celebrations as “too English”. The “traditional Christmas” as we know it today, is only a few generations old, if that, and most of what we think of as Christmassy, originated in non-Christian religions and have nothing to do with Jesus’ birth.
So back to the “battle” for Christmas. A few decades ago many people sought to include those of us who aren’t celebrating Jesus’ birth into the season. After all Hanukah is celebrated in December and predates Christ, and the pagan Yule festivals predate both. Many conservatives saw this as an attack on their religion, hence the backlash against inclusiveness. So whether you say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Hanukah”, “Happy Kwanzaa” or “Blessed Yule”...support your local merchants!

Christmas

We’ve passed another innocuous, non-religiously based holiday and are heading towards another one with pagan origins, providing fundamentalists yet another opportunity to be killjoys. But rest assured, all of our Christmas traditions are firmly rooted in the bible. Like Christmas stockings. Everybody knows that the Jesus family was so poor that they wore out their socks on the trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem and that on Christmas morning the kindly innkeeper, regretting his infamous “no room at the inn” proclamation, quietly broke into their lodging and hung warm socks on the mantelpiece. Poinsettias are another venerable Christmas tradition with biblical foundations. According to ancient texts, Poinsett was the fourth wise man, running late due to camel problems. Distraught that all the good gifts (gold, frankincense and myrrh) were taken, he stopped at the local florist and began a new tradition.
Christmas trees also enjoy a biblical pedigree. The oft mentioned “cedars of Lebanon” is a mistranslation of a Hebrew phrase that means “plastic green tree with cheap lights”.
So don’t be dismayed when you hear your pagan, secular humanist or atheist neighbors claiming that your cherished Christmas traditions originate in paganism, just tell them that Ill-Gotten Booty said it ain’t so.

Blogging

Top Ten Complaints & Hard-Hitting Questions About Thanksgiving

10. Barely enough time to get the Halloween décor down before Christmas
9. Turkey takes too damn long to defrost & cook
8. Cranberries? Aren’t they grown in a bog?
7. Start the Christmas shopping season on Halloween, it’s good for the economy.
6. Night Crew
5. Do we really need two end-of-the-year holidays where we make gluttony an art form?
4. What was the deal with Pocahontas anyway?
3. Buckles on hats are Satanic.
2. Does anyone really know what giblets are?
1. Pumpkin pies do not resemble pumpkins in any way. Just what are they trying to pull?

Politics Corner

Vindicating countless racists, Islamophobes and conspiracy theorists, President Barack Obama, pictured above in some of his many disguises, admitted today that he is indeed a Muslim, a terrorist, gay, a Unitarian, and that yes, he plans to take your guns. Laughing maniacally as he considered that 72% of those reading this article would not know what a Unitarian was, Obama outlined his plans to take all of your money and give it to who can spell the word “redistribute”. Further evil schemes include outlawing heterosexual marriage, Christianity and college football.

Do You Believe Everything You Read?

Do you believe everything that you hear? It’s in the paper (or on the internet) so it must be true! One of the things that you hear about this time of year is that the day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. According to statistics from the International Council of Shopping Centers, the busiest day varies from year to year and ranges from December 18th to December 23rd, with the day after Thanksgiving being anywhere from the 4th to the 8th busiest day. This is easily accessible information, and you’d think that in this age of instant fact checking more people would know this, yet you still hear, year after year, that “Black Friday” is the busiest shopping day of the year. In my opinion, most people just don’t want to think, it’s a lot easier to simply spout what they heard around the water cooler, on their favorite radio talk show, in church, or in that “This Is Real!!!!” forwarded email. This tendency to credulousness is widespread during political races, where potential voters hear all kinds of dirt about candidates and make their decisions based upon information of dubious veracity.
So what do you do? I just assume that everything that I hear is a big basket of horse crap and look for evidence to back it up, rather than just assuming everything is true and waiting for it to be debunked. This is why I am no longer in anyone’s email address book; I kept replying with evidence that the “true stories” were made up.
Choose to think! You might not have many friends, but the ones you have won’t be as stupid.

Quote of the Week

"She Needs Some Tough Woman-to-Woman Love"

Words of Wisdom

Well, after what seems like eight years of campaigning, the election is finally over. No matter whose politics you more closely identify with, it is undeniable that this has been an historic election. It’s also been an election where mud-slinging has been the rule rather than the exception, where each side demonized the other and misrepresented and exaggerated the other’s positions. One of the things that disturbed me the most is the ongoing suggestion that one candidate wasn’t a “real” American, or that Americans who held certain political views weren’t “real” Americans. Retired General and former Secretary of State Colin Powell stated a related problem very clearly when he addressed the rumor that one of the candidates was a Muslim. He stated that the rumor was false, that the candidate was in fact a Christian, but then asked why it was anyone’s business, why it mattered. One candidate for Vice President suggested to voters in one section of Virginia that voters in another section of the state, who were on the other end of the political spectrum where not “real Virginians”. Who gets to decide who among us are the “real” Americans?

Bush, Dissatisfied With Election Results, Calls For “Do-Over”

President-for-Now, George W. Bush, took a break from clearing brush in Crawford Texas to suggest that the nation “do-over” the recent presidential election. “It obvious that the American people could have done better than Obama and McCain” Bush opined, “It is in the best interests of our nation and the troops, if we begin the selection process anew.” Bush graciously offered to stay in office until the process is re-concluded, “however long it takes”.

More Nebraska Values

Many people are so impressed with our Nebraska values that they are dropping off their teenage children at area hospitals. By the time you read this, it may be up to thirty children. BNN reports that John McCain was seen pushing Sarah Palin out of a car in front of St. Elizabeth’s hospital early this morning.

Nebraska Values

Just what are “Nebraska Values” and exactly how do they differ from “Iowa Values”, “Kansas Values”, or for that matter “California Values”? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with Nebraska that isn’t wrong with everywhere else, but why is it that farming, ranching and mediocre college football is virtuous, while cities, higher education and good dental care are evil?

Recycled Shopping Carts

If you were wondering what we were going to do with the old shopping carts, somebody had a great idea.

More Grocery Store News

The next time you’re checking out some fresh produce, watch out for impatient wackoes lurking behind the bananas. A local woman became irritated when another customer took too long to make her selection and began heaping profanity on her and her children. The target of the cussin’ responded by striking her new friend with a bag of cat food, which elicited a gob of spit. The cat food lady was cited for suspicion of assault, while the spitter was cited for suspicion of public expectoration. Fox News revealed that a fourth debate between McCain & Obama was to have been held in a grocery store produce department, with the winner of a coin toss armed with a bag of cat food that was made by real Americans.

Top Ten Reasons to Identify “Country of Origin” on Meat & Produce

10. Canadian meat just doesn’t have those “Nebraska values”.
9. Why should I have to tell you anything?
8. Great way to support the troops.
7. It’s what a true maverick would do.
6. Why does there have to be a #6?
5. Night Crew
4. Shortcut for Palin to get foreign policy experience.
3. Pelini found out that Huskers players were eating Bolivian steaks.
2. Part of a insidious plan to bail out makers of teeny tiny flag stickers
1. Part of the war on terror: terrorists could sneak in disguised as parsnips if we’re not careful.

Huskers Accept Bailout Package

Congress today gave preliminary approval to a plan to bail out the failing Nebraska Cornhuskers football team following the embarrassing loss to Missouri. President Bush vowed to send top players from nationally ranked teams to bolster the Huskers’ roster. John McCain announced that he was suspending all sports watching because it was best for the country, adding that Senator Obama doesn’t understand.

Mistaken Identity

A Yutan Nebraska man was convicted this week of killing a friend who he mistook for a coyote. In related news, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin narrowly missed shooting Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, claiming that she mistook him for a moose. When pressed for a comment, Plain remarked that she should have waited until after the election.

Local Losers

After leading police on a short chase after robbing a Lincoln bank, two miscreants ducked into a local business, pretending to work there. Police knew that they had their suspects when a wad of cash fell out of one moron’s pants leg.

Sports Corner

Okay, it kinda, sorta sports...it’s Sumo wrestling. News from Japan is that several top Sumo wrestlers have been banned from the sport for smoking pot. Okay, you’re thinking, that’s somewhat minor. No performance enhancing drugs, no steroids, no speed, just that cute little weed that is the pause that relaxes. Can you get the picture in your mind? These huge guys with topknot hairstyles, wearing a diaper-like loincloth, kicking back and saying “dude”?

Profound Pronouncements

What the heck is wrong with politicians? During the recent “debates”, three out of four of them found it difficult to answer the questions, any questions, that the moderator asked them. And with all the misrepresenting of each others’ records and positions, do we need these people hooked up to a lie detector during their public appearances? It’s bad enough when they lie during a speech or campaign ad, but when the other guy (or gal) is right there to say “I never said that” - how do you continue to misrepresent your opponent with him or her standing five feet away from you? Can you imagine trying that with a police officer pulling you over for speeding:
“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
“The American people know that I’m a maverick, and you, officer, voted to cut off funding for little old ladies.”
Or maybe a student and teacher exchange:
“Johnny, where is your homework?”
“I’m glad you brought up homework Mrs. Smith, because it illustrates how little homework my classmate Tommy does. I support homework”
It kind of makes me look favorably on the whole concept of monarchy. At least with a monarchy you don’t have to pretend that it’s the will of the people that the King is the King. He’s the King because his daddy was the King and grandpa was King and his distant ancestor was the sneakiest S.O.B. around and killed off all the other guys who wanted to be King. But no, we have primaries and caucuses and debates and elections and we act like there’s some actual choosing going on. Heck, let’s give the Presidency to whoever wins the next Powerball jackpot...with or without teeth.

Kill the Cyclists!

Bicyclists should be systematically hunted down and killed. Sure, go back and reread that first sentence, I’ll wait. Now I’m not talking about little kids with training wheels on their shiny new bikes, or even those Lance Armstrong wannabes who trek across Nebraska; no I’m talking about those smug cloggers of entire lanes of traffic, those moronic self-important twits who wouldn’t move over to let a car pass because they’re saving the planet (hah! Which planet?) and insist that you obey all traffic laws yet run red lights and ride in between lanes. Bicycle advocates point out that riders of bikes have the same rights and responsibilities as motor vehicle operators. This is generally true, but bicycles are not allowed on the interstate and must use a bike path rather than the road if one is available. Bikers often focus on the fact that they have the same rights as drivers of cars, but usually forget the responsibility part. Traffic lanes, in case you hadn’t noticed are about as wide as the average car, a bicycle doesn’t need nearly that much room, yet every time I’m downtown I get stuck behind some nitwit on a bicycle riding smack in the middle of a lane, if I manage to pass him and get stopped at the light, Mr. Rules-of-the-Road then slips between me and the car next to me, runs the light and is then in front of me again on the next street. The solution to this blatant scoffing at traffic laws is vigilante justice. Before we escalate to death squads though, I suggest carrying a small machete in your car and hacking at the back tire of any bike that tries to sneak in between lanes. Or turn your window washer spigots around so that you can squirt these lowest-of-the-low as you tailgate them. Only after this doesn’t work would I recommend actually killing. But definitely no negotiations without preconditions.

Debate Top Ten High Points

10. Obama called McCain “Hillary” only once
9. McCain insisted that getting his plane shot out from under him does qualify him for the job
8. Obama was chided by moderator Jim Lehrer for sticking a “Hello my Name is George” name tag on McCain’s jacket during the opening handshake.
7. McCain asked Lehrer if he had carded Obama before the debate.
6. Obama thanked McCain for his service during the Spanish-American War
5. McCain taunted Obama by saying that Palin was hotter than Biden.
4. Apparently both candidates tried to “out-bling” the other by comparing bracelets.
3. The mole on McCain’s head interrupted the debate several times by shouting “I’m a maverick”.
2. During the second segment, Obama pulled out the severed head of Henry Kissinger and flung it at McCain.
1. Michelle Obama & Cindy McCain distracted Lehrer by French-kissing in the wings.

Easy Way to Solve Labor Problems

Nebraska has what is called a “safe haven” law, which allows a parent to abandon a child at any hospital without fear of prosecution. The point was that new mothers who for one reason or another couldn’t care for their infants could leave them at a hospital rather than a garbage bin after giving birth in the girls’ bathroom during the prom. What has happened though is that an 11 year old in Omaha and a 15 year old in Lincoln have been abandoned at hospitals, and under the new law the parents cannot be prosecuted. I wonder if this new law would work for problem employees? You’ve got a clerk who won’t do his job, just drop him off at Bryan Hospital. Cashier won’t count back change, abandon her at Lincoln General. Meat wrapper won’t clean out the sink, drop him at St. E’s back door. Great. Problem solved.

Ferreting Out More Problems

A Waverly resident saw some loose ferrets, which as it turned out were turned loose by a local man who decided that he could no longer care for them. The owner was ticketed for animal abandonment and animal cruelty. Maybe he should have dropped them off at a Lincoln hospital.

Freedom of Religion

One of the big stories this week is the protests and counter-protests in Grand Island and Greeley Colorado regarding prayer times for Muslim employees at the Swift packing plant. I am not against prayer, as long as it doesn’t work when people pray for bad things to happen to me, or when folks pray that I will join their religion. Here are a few things that I would like to see in any religion that I joined:
· No dietary restrictions. Pork, beef, meat on Friday, I want to eat ’em all.
· No early morning services. C’mon, church on Sunday morning?
· No commandments. No one obeys them all anyway.
· No special clothing or hairstyles.
· Clear and concise list of what prayers will get answered and which will not. No more of this “mysterious ways” crap.
· Weekly Meet ‘N’ Greet with God/gods to get to know him/her/them with a question and answer time.

Politics Corner

Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin denied reports that her husband Todd, an oil field operator and commercial fisherman, has threatened to “kick Barack’s butt”, but did affirm that God would judge Obama and the rest of “the Godless Democrats” casting them in everlasting flame. Palin also giggled nervously when reporters pointed out her frequent use of the phrase “When McCain dies…”

Styles

Why is it that we all think that the way that we dress is so cool when we’re young, but years later, looking at those old pictures we realize that our fashion sense was not what we thought it was. Later generations look at those same pictures and chuckle quietly to the themselves (or sometimes loudly and in public) convinced that their parents and grandparents didn’t know how to dress, but that they do. And the great thing is that some styles spring back to life, even after e thought that the stake through the heart had done its job. For instance, when did the 70’s Greg Brady boys’ hairstyle come back into vogue? You know, the big mop of hair that looks like the kid has been wearing a too-tight hat on top of it. And afros! Who would have suspected that big afros would make a comeback? With picks stuck in them? And what about the girls clothing where the sleeves are cut long enough to actually cover the hands; did that fad go away, or is it still “in style”? I know that the layered look, with the inside layer longer than the one on top of it, I still see that every day. Tell me that those styles aren’t going to get laughed at during a 30th reunion in 2038. But one thing is common to every generation’s clothing choices: most people will follow the herd, and express their individuality by being like everybody else.

Government

Halloween

Yes, that magickal time of year when witches and goblins cavort, scary butlers creep you out and fundamentalists warn us about the evils of Halloween. In some respects, the fundamentalists are right, Halloween is a pagan holy day, but just like Christmas has changed from a Christian holy day observance to a secular gimme-fest, Halloween has morphed in the popular mind from a sacred day for honoring the dead to another gimme-fest. Halloween, also called Samhain (pronounced sow-when) is the beginning of the “Wheel of the Year” for many neo-pagans, one of eight sabbats spaced more or less equally around the year. Samhain/Halloween is when the separation between this world and the Otherworld is thinnest. It is not an “evil” festival, nor is Satan any part of it (Satan is a biblical character who has no part in paganism). Again, the fundamentalists are right about many of our modern Halloween traditions coming from pagan observances, but I’d still go trick-or-treating if I was you.

City Bidding For Piles of Dirt

The city is looking to get 4 big piles of dirt 10 feet high and 25 feet across, put steel plates atop the piles, and watch them for six months to see how they settle in order to determine how stable the land is for building. Maybe we should try that with McCain & Obama.

Huskers Win!

Keeping with the long Nebraska tradition of beating the snot out of a patsy on opening day, the Nebraska Corndogs football team beat Western Michigan, formerly known as North Central Western Upper Peninsula School of Beauty, 47—24. In other startling sports news, UNL fans drank a lot before, during and after the game. New head coach Bo Pelini expressed relief that no one has noticed that his name is only one consonant away from “Panini”.

McCain Vows to Beat Gustav in November Elections

Citing lack of experience and funny name, John McCain predicted that he would beat “that Gustav guy” in the November election. He expressed puzzlement at why First Lady Laura Bush was raising money for Gustav during the convention, noting that he thought that he had the backing and support of the President.

Beavers Blamed for Flood Problems

Beavers Blamed for Flood Problems
Local officials, concerned about flooding on West Olive Creek Road, blamed beavers. “If our border patrol and Democratic Congress would do their jobs, we wouldn’t have this influx of illegal beavers” a Natural Resource District spokesman fumed. Local residents also were not happy. “I’ve got nothing against beavers per se” said a man in a John Deere cap who asked to remain anonymous, “some of my best friends are beavers, but the terrorist threat must be addressed”. Others repeated rumors about beavers being exempt from taxes and driving Cadillacs.

Smokers

Why is it that some smokers insist on flicking their used up butts in the street or on the sidewalk, despite the easy availability of ashtrays? I will vote for the presidential candidate who signs a bill making it a capital offense (that means the death penalty) to throw cigarettes on the ground. Perhaps it’s a rebellion against the pervasive smoking bans that have driven smokers out of any building but their own homes. I can see some of them mumbling under their breath, “Those S.O.B.’s won’t let me smoke in the bar, I know what I’ll do, I’ll throw my butt in the street! Yeah! Stick it to the man!” I used to share a duplex with a guy who smoked out on his front steps and flicked the butts out onto the driveway and lawn. He stopped after I regularly raked and swept them off my side and dumped them in front of his door. Back when I was in high school I worked in a gas station. People would habitually dump their entire car ashtray on the ground. Sneaky little punks that we were, my co-workers and I would sweep them up and dump them in the back seat when the customer went in to buy more cigarettes. I guess the best thing that can be said about flicking butts on the street is that it’s better than dogs crapping on the street. Or on your lawn.

FBI Says Guy With Car Full Of Guns “Not A Credible Threat” To Obama

The knucklehead pictured here was pulled over with a car full of guns and had threatened to kill Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama. FBI spokesmen announced that he was not a “credible threat”, citing the lack of Kryptonite in the man’s arsenal.

The Grammar Police

Recently two guys embarked a cross country trip with the lofty goal of correcting grammar and spelling on road signs, visitors bureau signs and the like. The two were understandably distressed at the number of errors on highly visible signs around the country and set out to singly-handedly (double-handedly?) make the changes. Armed with sharpies and white-out they added or blotted out commas and other punctuation, corrected misspellings (misspell is one of the more commonly misspelled words) on national monuments all around the country. However, they made the mistake of publicizing their accomplishments, even being interviewed on NPR, and were subsequently arrested, charged and convicted of vandalism of national monuments. In my opinion, these guys should have been given a medal. Sure, spelling correctly is sometimes a challenge, but when your words are going to be enshrined on a monument, or even a big billboard on the side of the road, get a dictionary already. I mean, how embarrassed is the guy who designed the yellow & black "Deer Crossing" signs that show the deer's antlers swept back, instead of forward like real deer's antlers do?

Religion in the News

Fanatics from Nebraska's largest fringe religion have been working themselves into a lather (what precisely do you have to do to work yourself into a lather?) over their High Holy Days that commence this coming weekend. Excitement is palpable (yes, you will need a dictionary if you're going to read this) over the appointment of a new prophet and a new high priest; large quantities of mind-altering substances will be ingested in the hope that the last several years will be forgotten. Thousands of these wild-eyed worshippers will congregate in their outdoor temple to chant and pray. What is this sect of which I speak? Why, it's none other than the State Religion of Nebraska: University of Nebraska (at Lincoln) football! Nebraska fans have long seemed to me as dogmatic and resistant to reason or evidence as the most convinced of the faithful God fans. For years Husker dominance was seen as a fact of life, a law of nature, as obvious as the law of Gravity, losses were explained away by bad officiating and criminal actions by players winked at (boys will be boys ya know). But then, in an effort to steer the program back in what was described as "the right direction", a winning coach was unceremoniously fired and replaced by a coach who consistantly lost, presenting two losing seasons to the acolytes of Huskerdom. And it took four years to figure out that a mistake had been made. As someone who enjoys rooting against the Corn Dogs, it just wasn't fun any more. laughing at a Husker loss was likely to get me beat up, or provoke the hapless Husker fan into tears or a deep depression. Who wants to kick someone when they're down? That's just not any fun. Now let them win a few, then lose the big ones. Now that will be fun!

McCain Update

Somebody, I don't really care who (Does it matter?) accused John McCain of lifting his speech about Georgia from Wikipedia. I say, good for McCain, if he's plagiarizing stuff from Wikipedia, at least he's using the computer, which means that he's not as technologically clueless as he seems. Now, the bad part is that 73.8% of Americans believe that the Russians are invading the Georgia that's next to Florida and think that South Ossetia was part of the Confederacy.

Our Motto

Remember, the editorial motto of Words of Wisdom by Ill-Gotten Booty is "We don't lie much and we don't steal from our friends" - learn it, live it, love it.

Beat It

A man in Lexington Nebraska pleaded guilty to beating a man who tried to rob him. Wait a minute; this is a crime?

How Many Times Do You Have to be Struck by Traffic Before It's a Stampede?

An Omaha man was struck by a vehicle as he was lying in the street. Then he was hit by another vehicle while he still lying in the street. You'd think he would have learned after being hit the first time.

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Reproduce

A week or so ago a local man was arrested for kidnapping after he decided to hold his wife and children hostage after his wife refused to fetch him a 40 oz. malt beverage. Now this is unique, this shows some thought, some planning! Why walk all the way to the fridge when you can browbeat your spouse into doing it? And a real man always has a backup plan when his woman refuses to give in to his foolishness. A lesser man would have resorted to administering a beating, or attempting to persuade by applying higher and higher volume to his inane arguments, but no, this guy took it to the proverbial next level: he held his wife hostage! What kind of planning goes into an idea like this? Hmmm...she won't get me a Colt 45...hold her hostage! Well, the WMD argument worked for Bush.

Politics Corner

Senator Barack Obama announced today taht he will be visiting Nebraska sometime during the upcoming college football season. "I intend to sit in the stands with the great people of Nebraska, dressed in red apparel, cheering for the Cornhuskers" shouted Obama to loud cheers. Athletic Director and former 3rd District Congressman Tom osbourne sugested that he could deliver his former district's votes to Obama if he would push through a bill crediting wins from 1970-71 to the current season. Senator John McCain, asked to comment replied that it was fine that Obama was touring Nebraska, but he preferred to trevel in America.

Words of Wisdom

It's August and I'm feeling depressed. Why? You might ask, in a tone that conveys both boredom and trepidation. Augsut is the only month without some kind of major holiday, one that has wormed its way into our national identity and has taken over school bulletin boards all over the country. Go ahead, check, I'll wait.
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See, I told you. But there are holidays in August, just ones that you either haven't heard of or are too stupid to bring up. Holidays like August 6th: Wiggle Your Toes day and August 31st: Trail Mix Day. Do you have any ideas for stupid holidays? Post 'em in the comments section.

Your Government At Work

Why has there been a ban since 1958 on trading in onion futures?

Bush Approves New Rules for Spy Agencies

New guidelines for intelligence services unveiled today expanded the ability of our nation's covert agencies to fight the war on terror while curtailing activities that are seen to restrict citizens' rights. For instance, torture will only be used when the suspect aperas to be "asking for it" and LSD testing will be restricted to subjects who "look like those Cheech and Chong guys".

Really Bad Gas Mileage

This past weekend a woman in Lincoln had her car (allegedly) stolen, not once, but twice from in front of her home. Apparently she parked it out front on Friday night and noticed it missing on Saturday morning. Police found it a couple of blocks away later that day. She parked it in front of her palacial estate at 18th & J and reported to police again on Saturday that it was gone. Intrepid Lincoln Police, without the help of the local CSI, found the car at 19th and J, in a parking lot. The first thing that got my attention was that the car was a Daewoo Leganza. What? Was this car named after the love child of a Korean cult leader and an Italian film star? Who the hell would steal a car that was so poorly named? The second thing that got my attention was how close the car was to the woman's home when found. I'm thinking: party on Friday night, one too many cocktails, no parking spaces out front, the brain cells that held the memory of where she parked killed off...yeah, you see where I'm going.

Good Parenting

While at a truck stop somewhere in Ohio recently I heard a mother say to her daughter, who was all of 4 years old "I don't know what to tell you, you shouldn't have never of given your chicken nuggets away". To this mother I say "bravo!" (because "bravo" is something that we all say when we want to express approval) Why shouldn't a 4-year-old be more responsible for their own food supply? Kids today just want everything handed to them. They want to give away their chicken nuggets and just expect more food to magically appear. More parents should exercise tighter controls on their children's nuggets.

America's Favorite Dog

I don't watch much television, in fact, for four years I didn't even own a television. So how is that I've seen the commercial for "America's Favorite Dog" or whatever it's called a dozen or more times? People who think that dogs are their soul mates, more important than families, and vdeo of people tongue kissing with their pooches. First, what is wrong with people? Secondly, what is wrong with television? I suppose it's cheaper than hiring actual actors.

Getting to Know the Candidates

Deriding his opponent’s claim to be the candidate of change, McCain is opposed to all change. In fact any changes instituted during the last 71 years will be repealed during his first 100 days in office.

McCain has sponsored a bill in the Senate to raise the minimum age for a U.S. President to 70.
Although he is a decorated war veteran and former P.O.W., McCain considered conscientious objector status during the Spanish-American War.

McCain’s hobbies are sitting quietly, sleeping and tying his shoelaces.

To Protect & Serve

Remember a few weeks back when Lancaster County deputies were randomly stopping motorists to make sure that they were wearing seatbelts? This week the State Patrol refused to help a group that set up a roadblock preventing illegal alcohol from being taken into the Pine Ridge Reservation. “We can’t just randomly stop motorists” the State Patrol spokesman stated.

A Legacy

The father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter spent $3000 buying up his dead girlfriend's lingerie at an auction. He wanted his daughter to have something to remember her mother by. In a related story, First Lady Laura Bush announced that she will begin collecting her husband’s sweat socks in a bid to start a “Bush Footwear Museum” in Crawford Texas.

Words (In Memory of George Carlin)

The death of George Carlin last week got me to thinking about words and how we use them. Why is not okay to say fuck but it is okay to refer to it as “the F-word”? Saying “F You” may be mildly offensive, but “Fuck You” might get you written up or fired. Or why is okay to say “crap”, but not “shit”? It’s not like they don’t mean the same thing. Or in the comics, they often avoid saying “Oh my God” and substitute “Ohmygaw…”. Who do we think we’re fooling? And what exactly is it about “bad words” that make them bad? Is it because they’re offensive? Well so are a lot of words like “idiot” or “moron” or “Bush supporter”. Do these words have some kind of mystical ability to corrupt us? If anything the so-called offensive words have lost their meaning, and how shocking can a word be when 12 year old girls are using it?

Deer Causes Collision

A two car collision in the central part of the state was, according to The State patrol, caused by a deer. There is some evidence that the deer was drinking alcoholic beverages and had been listening to Ozzie Osbourne. A State Patrol spokesman told reporters that a random roadblock would have saved the deer's life.

Petitions

Petitioners are out on the streets again, collecting signatures to put a bill on the ballot to ban petitioners. Anti-anti-paetioners, with their distinctive mud-brown "Decline to Sign Those But Definitely Sign Ours" T-shirts were a little confused. "So, are we for or against petioners?" whine Rodney Dúmaas, who admitted that he was being paid a dollar fifty for every person who didn't sign. Mitzi Zipipinhed, a spokesperson for the anti-petition petioners, agreed that engaging in the very activity that they want banned causes some cognitive dissonance "But heck", Zipipinhed opined "nobody in this crowd knows what cognitive dissonance means anyway".

Obama Tired of Clinton's Crap

Barack Obama points a finger at Hilary Clinton and mimes pulling the trigger during a joint appearance recently. "Robert Kennedy was assasinated in June? How about I cap your ass?" Obama said to Clinton with a cold smile on his face. He then threatened to have "that lady in the sweatpants and yellow t-shirt" slap Bill around.
Within minutes Obama received word that he would receive all of the delegates from Florida and Michigan, as well as all remaining superdelegates.

Nebraska Department of Shady Revenue

The Nebraska Department of Revenue recently began a campaign to collect individual and corporate income taxes from trucking companies that pass through Nebraska, whether they actually do business here or not. I hope this doesn't catch on or the flood of tourists that come to Nebraska every year will be paying income taxes. And let's not forget about the planes that pass over the state.

Full Disclosure

In case you hadn't noticed, I got the idea for Intelligent Gravity from "The Onion". I took their idea and merged it with Bush's lack of csience knowledge and inter-service rivalry. These pictures are also from microsoft's clip gallery