Jarryd is a Samoan

I’d like to apologize to the readers of Profound Pronouncements for being away from the keyboard for so long. The presidential inauguration, Groundhog Day, as well as the increased pressures of the witness protection program have kept me away. Due to having been MIA for so long, some of the content of the current issue may be a little dated, but this publication is free you know.

Local Music

Zoo Bar: April 1st, 6pm - Tinsley Ellis

Zoo Bar: May 27th, 6pm - Chris Duarte

Local Losers

This guy isn’t a Husker, but can there be any doubt that he’s in trouble with the law? He was being arrested for violating a protection order in the courthouse and attacked the deputy who was attempting to arrest him. Nice neck tattoo though.

State Basketball Tournaments

How about we just get honest and say that sports is more important than academics in Lincoln Public Schools? Why not declare a state holiday during state basketball tournaments? While schools are allegedly in session, students have been given permission to attend the games at Devaney where attendance will supposedly be taken, and where most of the teachers will be. After all, fanatical high school sports support prepares young people to become fanatical Husker supporters when they grow up.

Tuscan Stuff

What is it with everything being “Tuscan” these days? It seems that since 2003 when Under the Tuscan Sun was released, we have been inundated with Tuscan Garlic Chicken, Tuscan House Salad Dressing and who knows what else, maybe even Tuscan Hot Chocolate or Wrigley’s Tuscan Chewing Gum.. Does anybody know what makes something Tuscan? How many people actually know where Tuscany is?

Husker Hoods

Husker arrests aren’t what they used to be. Charges were dropped against Barry Turner for hitting his girlfriend with a pillow, and biting her to keep her from hitting him with a candlestick. He picked her up and carried her back into the apartment, supposedly to keep her from going out into a heavy winter storm. A pillow?

Obama’s Wasteful Spending

Most commentators have missed one of the most obvious methods that President Obama is wasting your tax dollars: textbooks and after school snacks for the Obama daughters. Most recent presidents have waited until their children were patriotic enough to defer their presidential runs until their children were at least in college, but not Obama. Has anyone tallied up the cost of school uniforms, books, arts & crafts supplies, and pencils? Not to mention band instruments. Republican lawmakers are calling on Obama to put his daughters in a blind trust until his term ends.