Top Ten Fathers Day Gift Ideas

10. Night Crew (Yup, just get it out of the way early...and who wouldn’t want the Night Crew as a Fathers Day gift?)
9. A case of the mint flavored soda that somebody ordered and is still being sold in at least one store
8. Flowers, Dads like flowers right? As long as they’re manly flowers.
7. A tie. You can never have enough ties.
6. Something handmade, since you’re too cheap to buy him something nice
5. A collect phone call, because nothing says “I love you Dad” better than costing him money.
4. A gift certificate because you’re too unimaginative to come up with a real gift.
3. An apron that says “World’s Best Chef” because nothing says “I love you Dad” better than asking him to cook you something in a girlie apron.
2. Hope he’s so mad at Obama that he’ll forget it’s Fathers Day.
1. Gift? You’re supposed to get your Dad a gift on Fathers Day?

Healthy Eating Part 2

Last issue’s column on healthy food choices was so popular that we just had to cover the topic again. Which of the following menu options is better for your health?

Option #1
Tofu burger on a gluten-free bun, organic grapes and guava juice.

Option #2
100% beef burger dripping with fat and grease, cooked to perfection on a non-stick iron pan, covered with three kinds of cheese, fried onions, tomato and pickles, served on a toasted bun slathered with butter, mayonnaise and ketchup, extra greasy French fries liberally sprinkled with salt and a Sam Adams Imperial Stout.

Answer:
Holy crap, do you even need to think about it? Do I even need to describe how tasteless and yes, un-American tofu is? Gluten-free? Gluten is what made America great. And isn’t guava another name for bat excrement? Maybe not, but still…
As far as option #2, that fat & grease will keep you warm in the winter and help you float in the swimming pool in the summer. All the toppings (or fixing's as we call them around the holidays) help keep American workers employed in these hard economic times. No contest.

Obama Offers to Clone Self to Fill High Court Vacancy

President Barack Obama, in a bold move reminiscent of Roosevelt’s bid to “pack” the Supreme Court, unveiled a plan to install a clone of himself, one of a dozen being kept in cryonic suspension in an undisclosed location, as replacement for Justice Souter. Other clones would be available for future openings on the court; Obama would not rule out one of the clones running for President in 2016.

Local Losers

This guy was breaking car windows with an aluminum bat, threatening people and shouting obscenities at police officers. In the old days, a true thug purist would have used a wooden bat. Nobody has standards anymore.

Fireworks on the Third

Do any of you old fogies like myself remember the time the Mayor of Lincoln officially changed the date trick or treating would take place because it snowed on October 31st? As if there’s a law on the books preventing kids from begging for candy door-to-door on any other days. It kind of reminds me of how Lincoln is changing the date of the annual Fourth of July fireworks display to July Third because some guy in a sleeveless flannel shirt from Pawnee City is doing a show at Memorial Stadium on Independence Day. Talk about messing with our cherished traditions. The next thing they’ll be celebrating Jesus’ birth on a day different than the one that he was actually born on. Oh...wait...we already do that. Since we’re already having Jesus’ birthday party several months after his actual birthday, assuming that is, that he was a real person, why not celebrate during the first week of December, rather than the last so that good honest American merchants could get a bigger boost from consumers who still had plenty of food stamps and Christmas bonuses? But back to the sleeveless guy on July 4th: why couldn’t we combine the two events? Shoot him out of a cannon at the beginning of the show and then blow him up at the end. Or maybe we can postpone the fireworks until October 31st and let kids trick or treat on July 3rd in honor of Jesus’ birthday? Think outside the box and ‘git’r done’

Nigerian Catering Scam

The Ill-Gotten Booty Peeve of the Week this time is cell phones and other electronic devices. No one, it seems, is content to interact solely with the people that one happens to be in the physical presence of. Unless you’re a surgeon, waiting to find out if that kidney that you’ve been waiting for to save the life of little Johnny has arrived at the hospital yet, you probably don’t need to answer the phone. You probably don’t even need to pull out the phone to look at your caller I.D. to see if the person calling is more interesting than the one you’re actually sitting down with. Now I don’t know if texting has made it better or worse. At least when you’re talking on your cell phone, you’re pretty clear that you’ve stopped conversing with the people in your physical space, and that they mean less than nothing to you, but with texting you can sort of pretend that you’re still present, while carrying on your important business with your thumbs.

FDA Issues Recall on “Every Damn Thing”

The Food and Drug Administration today decided to recall every single item found in every grocery store, drug store and spooky isolated gas station on that dark, winding back road. Citing the increasing number of recalls in the past few months, and the inability of retailers, not to mention the FDA itself, to keep up, spokepersons warned that they hadn’t at all thought this through and fully expected panic to ensue.

I’m Not Gonna Lie

Every hear that expression? Someone is telling you a story or relating an incident and they preface an admission about something somewhat negative with “I’m not gonna lie”. As in, “I’m not gonna lie, I ran that red light officer”. Use of the phrase seems to imply that not lying is a great and noble act worthy of recognition and approbation, when it’s really just the minimum that you would expect interacting with others. “Wow!, you’re not gonna lie? Let me nominate you for the Nobel Prize! What’s next? “I’m not gonna pick your pockets”? “I’m not gonna disembowel you”?

Top Ten Ways to Stay Within Your Labor Budget

10. “Trick” time clock that advances twice as fast during breaks
9. Require that every group that we donate to spend one hour per person working in the Deli
8. Issue paychecks in Russian Rubles.
7. Call the store an interactive museum and bring in school kids to stock the shelves as part of a full-immersion lesson
6. Put ladders in all aisles and allow customers to pick right off the top decks
5. Hypnotize all associates into believing that it’s 1984 and pay them 1984 wages.
4. Redefine all managers as Food Consultants and adjust pay accordingly.
3. Night Crew (Yes, I know it makes no sense, but it’s tradition)
2. Let shoplifters know that we will allow them to steal one bottle of UV Vodka for every hour that they spend pushing carts
1. Increase labor by generating more sales (naw, that’s too crazy, that’ll never work)

Healthy Eating

What would you rather eat, Meal #1 or Meal #2?
Meal #1:
· Bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwich without lettuce or tomato, extra mayonnaise on cinnamon raisin bread, buttered, with three kinds of cheese.
· One half of a half-gallon square of extra creamy ice cream with peanuts and chocolate sauce
· One 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew©

Meal #2
· Low fat turkey breast with bean sprouts on double fiber extra flax whole wheat bread
· An apple
· Water

Geez! How can there even be a contest? Have you seen any of the bodies of water around here lately? You want to drink that? And it’s boring. And apple skins get caught in your teeth and have pits. And do I even need to get started on how much like cardboard that high fiber bread is going to taste like? Now a bacon sandwich with lots of mayonnaise, that’s a sandwich for a real American with tough arteries and none of that sissy lettuce or tomato. If those terrorists had eaten sandwiches like #1 they wouldn’t be whining about waterboarding and electrical shocks to the genitals. And come on, what’s more American than ice cream and Mountain Dew©?
Eat Healthy? Or Eat American? You decide.

Heterosexuals Now Able To Marry in All 50 States

In stunning news today, it was announced that heterosexuals can “tie the knot” in all fifty states. Confirmed bachelors reacted with dismay and gay leaders predicted that people who are as different from each other as men and women would never be happy in the stable, monogamous institution called marriage.