Senseless Words of the Week

Biblical Trailer Parks

Profound Pronouncements for the Week

Cashiers that are friendly and appear genuinely glad to see their customers is something that I’m definitely not opposed to, but why is it that most of them find it so difficult to continue to ring products up while talking? Come on, the stuff that you buy has bar codes, you barely have to look at things to ring them up, most items only require one hand. So here you are, getting close to the front of the line, and friendly checker starts talking about holiday recipes with the person that she is ringing up, halting all progress toward totaling up the order, as your lunch hour ticks by, one painful second at a time. Do you want fries with that?
Another modern innovation that irks me is the dual use of the cash register as a time clock. You walk into a fast food “restaurant” to see a brightly clad employee behind the counter. You’re excited now, no lines, you’re first and you know what you want. But this paragon of today’s youth torpidly punches buttons on the touch screen, never looking up, picking zits the whole time. You clear your throat, no response; you attempt to make aggressive eye contact, no response; you say “I’m ready to order”; no response; you lean across the counter grab him by his too-large polyester shirt (avoiding the tie, which is undoubtedly a clip-on) and taking advantage of the element of surprise, haul him over the counter, force his head into a napkin dispenser and scream out your order. This time you get a response: “Dude, I’m on break”. Now the manager, who has not yet successfully traversed puberty asks you if everything okay, suggesting in a quavering voice that you stand in the other line...where the cashier has stopped ringing up the order while she talks about holiday recipes.

Politics Corner

The Iraqi Parliament took time out from counting huge piles of bribe money today to set a timetable for withdrawal of U.S. troops from their country. All American combat troops will exit Iraq by March 2078. President Bush protested, noting that setting a definite withdrawal date would be “cutting and running” and would be “something very different than victory”. Bush suggested that maybe he should bring Saddam back, observing that although an evil dictator, he was a lot more fun than “that Shi’ite bunch”. Bush was given a lollipop and has not been heard from since.

Local Losers

A woman stole 13 candy bars from a convenience store the other night after throwing three bars at the clerk. Police tracked her down using a police dog.

Recession Actually Started Last Year

Economic experts announced this week that, yes, we are in a recession, but that it has been going on since last December.

Oh, that’s alright then.

Fixin's & Trimmin's

In what way is a fixin’, different from a trimmin’? Are they synonymous, or is there a subtle difference? You often hear the phrase “All the fixin’s”. Can you just have some of the fixin’s? And just where is the correct place to put the apostrophe with the plural of fixin’? And while I’m on a roll, why is it called “trimming” the tree?

The Battle for Christmas

Over the last few years there has been an imaginary “battle” over the use of the word “Christmas” in the media and in ads. Some conservative talk show hosts have called for boycotts of businesses who use “holiday” or “happy holidays” instead “Christmas” or “Merry Christmas”. Interestingly enough the first folks to protest Christmas celebrations in what is now the United States were conservative Christians: the Puritans. That’s right, the people who brought religious intolerance to the New World thought that Christmas celebrations were “popish” (slur word for Catholic) and in their narrow view, straight from the heart of Satan. Over the centuries Christmas varied from a purely religious day that barely made an impact on daily life to one of raucous feasting and merry-making (ah, those were the days, when merry was made on a regular basis). The Protestant Reformation caused Christmas celebrations to become more muted and initially the citizens of the newly independent United States rejected Christmas celebrations as “too English”. The “traditional Christmas” as we know it today, is only a few generations old, if that, and most of what we think of as Christmassy, originated in non-Christian religions and have nothing to do with Jesus’ birth.
So back to the “battle” for Christmas. A few decades ago many people sought to include those of us who aren’t celebrating Jesus’ birth into the season. After all Hanukah is celebrated in December and predates Christ, and the pagan Yule festivals predate both. Many conservatives saw this as an attack on their religion, hence the backlash against inclusiveness. So whether you say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Hanukah”, “Happy Kwanzaa” or “Blessed Yule”...support your local merchants!