Top Ten Reasons to Identify “Country of Origin” on Meat & Produce

10. Canadian meat just doesn’t have those “Nebraska values”.
9. Why should I have to tell you anything?
8. Great way to support the troops.
7. It’s what a true maverick would do.
6. Why does there have to be a #6?
5. Night Crew
4. Shortcut for Palin to get foreign policy experience.
3. Pelini found out that Huskers players were eating Bolivian steaks.
2. Part of a insidious plan to bail out makers of teeny tiny flag stickers
1. Part of the war on terror: terrorists could sneak in disguised as parsnips if we’re not careful.

Huskers Accept Bailout Package

Congress today gave preliminary approval to a plan to bail out the failing Nebraska Cornhuskers football team following the embarrassing loss to Missouri. President Bush vowed to send top players from nationally ranked teams to bolster the Huskers’ roster. John McCain announced that he was suspending all sports watching because it was best for the country, adding that Senator Obama doesn’t understand.

Mistaken Identity

A Yutan Nebraska man was convicted this week of killing a friend who he mistook for a coyote. In related news, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin narrowly missed shooting Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, claiming that she mistook him for a moose. When pressed for a comment, Plain remarked that she should have waited until after the election.

Local Losers

After leading police on a short chase after robbing a Lincoln bank, two miscreants ducked into a local business, pretending to work there. Police knew that they had their suspects when a wad of cash fell out of one moron’s pants leg.

Sports Corner

Okay, it kinda, sorta sports...it’s Sumo wrestling. News from Japan is that several top Sumo wrestlers have been banned from the sport for smoking pot. Okay, you’re thinking, that’s somewhat minor. No performance enhancing drugs, no steroids, no speed, just that cute little weed that is the pause that relaxes. Can you get the picture in your mind? These huge guys with topknot hairstyles, wearing a diaper-like loincloth, kicking back and saying “dude”?

Profound Pronouncements

What the heck is wrong with politicians? During the recent “debates”, three out of four of them found it difficult to answer the questions, any questions, that the moderator asked them. And with all the misrepresenting of each others’ records and positions, do we need these people hooked up to a lie detector during their public appearances? It’s bad enough when they lie during a speech or campaign ad, but when the other guy (or gal) is right there to say “I never said that” - how do you continue to misrepresent your opponent with him or her standing five feet away from you? Can you imagine trying that with a police officer pulling you over for speeding:
“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
“The American people know that I’m a maverick, and you, officer, voted to cut off funding for little old ladies.”
Or maybe a student and teacher exchange:
“Johnny, where is your homework?”
“I’m glad you brought up homework Mrs. Smith, because it illustrates how little homework my classmate Tommy does. I support homework”
It kind of makes me look favorably on the whole concept of monarchy. At least with a monarchy you don’t have to pretend that it’s the will of the people that the King is the King. He’s the King because his daddy was the King and grandpa was King and his distant ancestor was the sneakiest S.O.B. around and killed off all the other guys who wanted to be King. But no, we have primaries and caucuses and debates and elections and we act like there’s some actual choosing going on. Heck, let’s give the Presidency to whoever wins the next Powerball jackpot...with or without teeth.