Kill the Cyclists!

Bicyclists should be systematically hunted down and killed. Sure, go back and reread that first sentence, I’ll wait. Now I’m not talking about little kids with training wheels on their shiny new bikes, or even those Lance Armstrong wannabes who trek across Nebraska; no I’m talking about those smug cloggers of entire lanes of traffic, those moronic self-important twits who wouldn’t move over to let a car pass because they’re saving the planet (hah! Which planet?) and insist that you obey all traffic laws yet run red lights and ride in between lanes. Bicycle advocates point out that riders of bikes have the same rights and responsibilities as motor vehicle operators. This is generally true, but bicycles are not allowed on the interstate and must use a bike path rather than the road if one is available. Bikers often focus on the fact that they have the same rights as drivers of cars, but usually forget the responsibility part. Traffic lanes, in case you hadn’t noticed are about as wide as the average car, a bicycle doesn’t need nearly that much room, yet every time I’m downtown I get stuck behind some nitwit on a bicycle riding smack in the middle of a lane, if I manage to pass him and get stopped at the light, Mr. Rules-of-the-Road then slips between me and the car next to me, runs the light and is then in front of me again on the next street. The solution to this blatant scoffing at traffic laws is vigilante justice. Before we escalate to death squads though, I suggest carrying a small machete in your car and hacking at the back tire of any bike that tries to sneak in between lanes. Or turn your window washer spigots around so that you can squirt these lowest-of-the-low as you tailgate them. Only after this doesn’t work would I recommend actually killing. But definitely no negotiations without preconditions.

Debate Top Ten High Points

10. Obama called McCain “Hillary” only once
9. McCain insisted that getting his plane shot out from under him does qualify him for the job
8. Obama was chided by moderator Jim Lehrer for sticking a “Hello my Name is George” name tag on McCain’s jacket during the opening handshake.
7. McCain asked Lehrer if he had carded Obama before the debate.
6. Obama thanked McCain for his service during the Spanish-American War
5. McCain taunted Obama by saying that Palin was hotter than Biden.
4. Apparently both candidates tried to “out-bling” the other by comparing bracelets.
3. The mole on McCain’s head interrupted the debate several times by shouting “I’m a maverick”.
2. During the second segment, Obama pulled out the severed head of Henry Kissinger and flung it at McCain.
1. Michelle Obama & Cindy McCain distracted Lehrer by French-kissing in the wings.

Easy Way to Solve Labor Problems

Nebraska has what is called a “safe haven” law, which allows a parent to abandon a child at any hospital without fear of prosecution. The point was that new mothers who for one reason or another couldn’t care for their infants could leave them at a hospital rather than a garbage bin after giving birth in the girls’ bathroom during the prom. What has happened though is that an 11 year old in Omaha and a 15 year old in Lincoln have been abandoned at hospitals, and under the new law the parents cannot be prosecuted. I wonder if this new law would work for problem employees? You’ve got a clerk who won’t do his job, just drop him off at Bryan Hospital. Cashier won’t count back change, abandon her at Lincoln General. Meat wrapper won’t clean out the sink, drop him at St. E’s back door. Great. Problem solved.

Ferreting Out More Problems

A Waverly resident saw some loose ferrets, which as it turned out were turned loose by a local man who decided that he could no longer care for them. The owner was ticketed for animal abandonment and animal cruelty. Maybe he should have dropped them off at a Lincoln hospital.

Freedom of Religion

One of the big stories this week is the protests and counter-protests in Grand Island and Greeley Colorado regarding prayer times for Muslim employees at the Swift packing plant. I am not against prayer, as long as it doesn’t work when people pray for bad things to happen to me, or when folks pray that I will join their religion. Here are a few things that I would like to see in any religion that I joined:
· No dietary restrictions. Pork, beef, meat on Friday, I want to eat ’em all.
· No early morning services. C’mon, church on Sunday morning?
· No commandments. No one obeys them all anyway.
· No special clothing or hairstyles.
· Clear and concise list of what prayers will get answered and which will not. No more of this “mysterious ways” crap.
· Weekly Meet ‘N’ Greet with God/gods to get to know him/her/them with a question and answer time.

Politics Corner

Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin denied reports that her husband Todd, an oil field operator and commercial fisherman, has threatened to “kick Barack’s butt”, but did affirm that God would judge Obama and the rest of “the Godless Democrats” casting them in everlasting flame. Palin also giggled nervously when reporters pointed out her frequent use of the phrase “When McCain dies…”

Styles

Why is it that we all think that the way that we dress is so cool when we’re young, but years later, looking at those old pictures we realize that our fashion sense was not what we thought it was. Later generations look at those same pictures and chuckle quietly to the themselves (or sometimes loudly and in public) convinced that their parents and grandparents didn’t know how to dress, but that they do. And the great thing is that some styles spring back to life, even after e thought that the stake through the heart had done its job. For instance, when did the 70’s Greg Brady boys’ hairstyle come back into vogue? You know, the big mop of hair that looks like the kid has been wearing a too-tight hat on top of it. And afros! Who would have suspected that big afros would make a comeback? With picks stuck in them? And what about the girls clothing where the sleeves are cut long enough to actually cover the hands; did that fad go away, or is it still “in style”? I know that the layered look, with the inside layer longer than the one on top of it, I still see that every day. Tell me that those styles aren’t going to get laughed at during a 30th reunion in 2038. But one thing is common to every generation’s clothing choices: most people will follow the herd, and express their individuality by being like everybody else.

Government

Halloween

Yes, that magickal time of year when witches and goblins cavort, scary butlers creep you out and fundamentalists warn us about the evils of Halloween. In some respects, the fundamentalists are right, Halloween is a pagan holy day, but just like Christmas has changed from a Christian holy day observance to a secular gimme-fest, Halloween has morphed in the popular mind from a sacred day for honoring the dead to another gimme-fest. Halloween, also called Samhain (pronounced sow-when) is the beginning of the “Wheel of the Year” for many neo-pagans, one of eight sabbats spaced more or less equally around the year. Samhain/Halloween is when the separation between this world and the Otherworld is thinnest. It is not an “evil” festival, nor is Satan any part of it (Satan is a biblical character who has no part in paganism). Again, the fundamentalists are right about many of our modern Halloween traditions coming from pagan observances, but I’d still go trick-or-treating if I was you.

City Bidding For Piles of Dirt

The city is looking to get 4 big piles of dirt 10 feet high and 25 feet across, put steel plates atop the piles, and watch them for six months to see how they settle in order to determine how stable the land is for building. Maybe we should try that with McCain & Obama.

Huskers Win!

Keeping with the long Nebraska tradition of beating the snot out of a patsy on opening day, the Nebraska Corndogs football team beat Western Michigan, formerly known as North Central Western Upper Peninsula School of Beauty, 47—24. In other startling sports news, UNL fans drank a lot before, during and after the game. New head coach Bo Pelini expressed relief that no one has noticed that his name is only one consonant away from “Panini”.

McCain Vows to Beat Gustav in November Elections

Citing lack of experience and funny name, John McCain predicted that he would beat “that Gustav guy” in the November election. He expressed puzzlement at why First Lady Laura Bush was raising money for Gustav during the convention, noting that he thought that he had the backing and support of the President.

Beavers Blamed for Flood Problems

Beavers Blamed for Flood Problems
Local officials, concerned about flooding on West Olive Creek Road, blamed beavers. “If our border patrol and Democratic Congress would do their jobs, we wouldn’t have this influx of illegal beavers” a Natural Resource District spokesman fumed. Local residents also were not happy. “I’ve got nothing against beavers per se” said a man in a John Deere cap who asked to remain anonymous, “some of my best friends are beavers, but the terrorist threat must be addressed”. Others repeated rumors about beavers being exempt from taxes and driving Cadillacs.

Smokers

Why is it that some smokers insist on flicking their used up butts in the street or on the sidewalk, despite the easy availability of ashtrays? I will vote for the presidential candidate who signs a bill making it a capital offense (that means the death penalty) to throw cigarettes on the ground. Perhaps it’s a rebellion against the pervasive smoking bans that have driven smokers out of any building but their own homes. I can see some of them mumbling under their breath, “Those S.O.B.’s won’t let me smoke in the bar, I know what I’ll do, I’ll throw my butt in the street! Yeah! Stick it to the man!” I used to share a duplex with a guy who smoked out on his front steps and flicked the butts out onto the driveway and lawn. He stopped after I regularly raked and swept them off my side and dumped them in front of his door. Back when I was in high school I worked in a gas station. People would habitually dump their entire car ashtray on the ground. Sneaky little punks that we were, my co-workers and I would sweep them up and dump them in the back seat when the customer went in to buy more cigarettes. I guess the best thing that can be said about flicking butts on the street is that it’s better than dogs crapping on the street. Or on your lawn.