Politics Corner

Senator Barack Obama announced today taht he will be visiting Nebraska sometime during the upcoming college football season. "I intend to sit in the stands with the great people of Nebraska, dressed in red apparel, cheering for the Cornhuskers" shouted Obama to loud cheers. Athletic Director and former 3rd District Congressman Tom osbourne sugested that he could deliver his former district's votes to Obama if he would push through a bill crediting wins from 1970-71 to the current season. Senator John McCain, asked to comment replied that it was fine that Obama was touring Nebraska, but he preferred to trevel in America.

Words of Wisdom

It's August and I'm feeling depressed. Why? You might ask, in a tone that conveys both boredom and trepidation. Augsut is the only month without some kind of major holiday, one that has wormed its way into our national identity and has taken over school bulletin boards all over the country. Go ahead, check, I'll wait.
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See, I told you. But there are holidays in August, just ones that you either haven't heard of or are too stupid to bring up. Holidays like August 6th: Wiggle Your Toes day and August 31st: Trail Mix Day. Do you have any ideas for stupid holidays? Post 'em in the comments section.

Your Government At Work

Why has there been a ban since 1958 on trading in onion futures?

Bush Approves New Rules for Spy Agencies

New guidelines for intelligence services unveiled today expanded the ability of our nation's covert agencies to fight the war on terror while curtailing activities that are seen to restrict citizens' rights. For instance, torture will only be used when the suspect aperas to be "asking for it" and LSD testing will be restricted to subjects who "look like those Cheech and Chong guys".

Really Bad Gas Mileage

This past weekend a woman in Lincoln had her car (allegedly) stolen, not once, but twice from in front of her home. Apparently she parked it out front on Friday night and noticed it missing on Saturday morning. Police found it a couple of blocks away later that day. She parked it in front of her palacial estate at 18th & J and reported to police again on Saturday that it was gone. Intrepid Lincoln Police, without the help of the local CSI, found the car at 19th and J, in a parking lot. The first thing that got my attention was that the car was a Daewoo Leganza. What? Was this car named after the love child of a Korean cult leader and an Italian film star? Who the hell would steal a car that was so poorly named? The second thing that got my attention was how close the car was to the woman's home when found. I'm thinking: party on Friday night, one too many cocktails, no parking spaces out front, the brain cells that held the memory of where she parked killed off...yeah, you see where I'm going.

Good Parenting

While at a truck stop somewhere in Ohio recently I heard a mother say to her daughter, who was all of 4 years old "I don't know what to tell you, you shouldn't have never of given your chicken nuggets away". To this mother I say "bravo!" (because "bravo" is something that we all say when we want to express approval) Why shouldn't a 4-year-old be more responsible for their own food supply? Kids today just want everything handed to them. They want to give away their chicken nuggets and just expect more food to magically appear. More parents should exercise tighter controls on their children's nuggets.

America's Favorite Dog

I don't watch much television, in fact, for four years I didn't even own a television. So how is that I've seen the commercial for "America's Favorite Dog" or whatever it's called a dozen or more times? People who think that dogs are their soul mates, more important than families, and vdeo of people tongue kissing with their pooches. First, what is wrong with people? Secondly, what is wrong with television? I suppose it's cheaper than hiring actual actors.

Getting to Know the Candidates

Deriding his opponent’s claim to be the candidate of change, McCain is opposed to all change. In fact any changes instituted during the last 71 years will be repealed during his first 100 days in office.

McCain has sponsored a bill in the Senate to raise the minimum age for a U.S. President to 70.
Although he is a decorated war veteran and former P.O.W., McCain considered conscientious objector status during the Spanish-American War.

McCain’s hobbies are sitting quietly, sleeping and tying his shoelaces.

To Protect & Serve

Remember a few weeks back when Lancaster County deputies were randomly stopping motorists to make sure that they were wearing seatbelts? This week the State Patrol refused to help a group that set up a roadblock preventing illegal alcohol from being taken into the Pine Ridge Reservation. “We can’t just randomly stop motorists” the State Patrol spokesman stated.

A Legacy

The father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter spent $3000 buying up his dead girlfriend's lingerie at an auction. He wanted his daughter to have something to remember her mother by. In a related story, First Lady Laura Bush announced that she will begin collecting her husband’s sweat socks in a bid to start a “Bush Footwear Museum” in Crawford Texas.

Words (In Memory of George Carlin)

The death of George Carlin last week got me to thinking about words and how we use them. Why is not okay to say fuck but it is okay to refer to it as “the F-word”? Saying “F You” may be mildly offensive, but “Fuck You” might get you written up or fired. Or why is okay to say “crap”, but not “shit”? It’s not like they don’t mean the same thing. Or in the comics, they often avoid saying “Oh my God” and substitute “Ohmygaw…”. Who do we think we’re fooling? And what exactly is it about “bad words” that make them bad? Is it because they’re offensive? Well so are a lot of words like “idiot” or “moron” or “Bush supporter”. Do these words have some kind of mystical ability to corrupt us? If anything the so-called offensive words have lost their meaning, and how shocking can a word be when 12 year old girls are using it?