Full Disclosure

In case you hadn't noticed, I got the idea for Intelligent Gravity from "The Onion". I took their idea and merged it with Bush's lack of csience knowledge and inter-service rivalry. These pictures are also from microsoft's clip gallery

Gas Prices

Sorry, I just can’t find anything to laugh about anymore when it comes to gas prices. Does anyone really know why they’re going up so high? I think it has something to do with the Mayan calendar cycle closing soon. It certainly feels like human sacrifice.

Messin’ With Fast Food People

The next time you go into a fast food joint, ask for their special, for example, a Double Whopper with cheese. Ask, for no lettuce, then pause and ask for no tomato, mention every topping. Then ask for no cheese...no meat, and finally no bun. Keep a straight face. Then ask for the senior discount.

Bush's Science Announcement

President Bush has long encouraged school districts across the country to teach alternatives to evolution. Today he announced his initiative to require that alternatives to astronomy be taught, starting with the theory that the Earth is flat and rests upon the backs of four elephants who in turn stand on the back of an enormous turtle. He also discussed at length his position that Newton’s Laws of Universal Gravitation be countered with the Theory of Intelligent Gravity. “Obviously it’s the Lord that keeps us fastened firmly to the Earth” Bush mumbled through a mouth full of Reese’s Pieces, “And of course birds, bats, airplanes and flying squirrels are creatures of the Devil” he continued as uniformed Marines blew up Air Force One, gleefully sticking it to the Satanic Air Force.
White House spokesman Scooter “Skippy” Biffster downplayed the palpable insanity of the whole scene, explaining that the President had not had his nap.

This Is Why You Should Study Hard in Math Class

A rural fire district in western Nebraska put an initiative on the ballot to set taxes at 3 cents for every $100,. Unfortunately the ballot read .03 cents for every hundred dollars. This my friends, is why you should pay attention when they teach you about decimals. For those who didn’t pay attention in class, 3 cents is .03 dollars.

Politics Corner

No matter how hard that I try, I can’t make the argument over Democratic delegates from Michigan and Florida any funnier. The Democratic National Committee decided that primaries could not be held before a certain date. Florida & Michigan ignored the rule and held their early primaries anyway. All the candidates agreed with this rule and did not campaign in these states. Obama even removed his name from the ballot in Michigan. No problem until the last month or so, when it looked like Obama was going to squeak past Clinton and win the nomination. Now Clinton really wants those delegates! Clinton supporters are picketing outside the DNC headquarters. Both sides are arguing over whether the votes should be counted and if so whether only half the delegates should be seated, and if so, which half? Maybe all the delegates should get to vote, but only get half a vote each. And what about the uncommitted delegates? Should African American delegates be given 3/5 of a vote each? Or should only Protestants who own land be allowed to vote? C’mon people, follow the rules!!!

Crime in Nebraska

Crime must be down in Nebraska this year. Forget what you heard about increased gang activity, drug use, meth labs and jaywalking, 14 Lancaster County Sheriff's deputies were out manning a seat belt compliance checkpoint. In a way, this makes me feel better about my safety. With all that’s wrong in the world today, it gives me the warm fuzzies to think that Smokey Bear (Sorry...old Burt Reynolds reference) cares whether or not I fly head first through my windshield if I get in a head-on collision. What makes me feel even better is that 14 deputies working for 5 hours could only come up with one seat belt violation. Wowzers! Now the boys and girls in brown did cite people for other violations, including driving under a suspended license, no proof of registration or insurance, and marijuana possession. So what’s wrong with this picture? Well, let’s start with the fact that checkpoints in general stop people with no probable cause that they actually did anything. Next, I thought that seat belt violations were secondary violations, in other words, you could only get ticketed for not wearing a seat belt if you were first ticketed for something else. And what about the marijuana possession? I don’t think that you have to allow them, to search your car if they don’t have probable cause.
I guess it all goes along with national foreign policy. After all we now invade countries just because we think that they might have some weapons that they might use against us, if they had them. Kind of like that old saying. If I had some bread I could have a ham sandwich...if I had some ham.
I guess I should look on the bright side. Getting pulled over by the police when you did nothing wrong isn’t so bad. It’s when they pull you over when you have done something illegal that’s the real problem.
Man, I’m getting nostalgic for due process.

Ill-Gotten Booty